Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: saudi arabia, wrestling, WWE Night of Champions

WWE Night of Champions to Sports-Wash Saudi Human Rights Record in June

Comrades! El Presidente reports on WWE's glorious return to Saudi Arabia for Night of Champions! Plus, my failed attempts to bring wrestling to my re-education camps!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, El Presidente, reporting to you live from my gold-plated underground bunker where I am currently hiding from CIA agents disguised as pool maintenance workers. Today, I bring you magnificent news from the world of professional wrestling that warms my dictatorial heart!

The WWE, that bastion of American entertainment imperialism that I secretly adore, has announced they will be returning to the glorious Kingdom of Saudi Arabia this summer! Yes, comrades, the Night of Champions premium live event will take place at the Kingdom Arena in Riyadh on Saturday, June 28, 2025. But wait, there's more! For the first time ever, Friday Night SmackDown will also grace Saudi Arabia's capital the night before on June 27!

When I heard this news, I was enjoying a friendly game of nuclear football with my good friend Kim Jong-un. He became quite jealous upon hearing about Saudi Arabia's continued success in attracting American entertainment. "El Presidente," he said to me, "why do they get all the good shows while I must settle for Dennis Rodman visits every few years?" I had no answer for him, comrades. The geopolitical wrestling booking inequalities are truly troubling.

I must say, I admire how WWE continues this beautiful partnership with Saudi Arabia. What better way to help a regime polish its international image than with spandex-clad superstars performing feats of strength and drama? It's what we in the dictator community call a masterclass in "sports-washing"!

For years, I have been sending Triple H and Nick Khan elaborate gift baskets containing my country's finest exports – exotic animals, priceless artifacts "liberated" from museums, and several barrels of our revolutionary socialism-flavored energy drink, "Red Menace." Yet they refuse to bring WrestleMania to my presidential palace! I have even built a magnificent wrestling arena using the voluntary labor of political dissidents who were absolutely not forced to work 20-hour days under the hot sun.

Just imagine, comrades, how wonderful it would be if WWE came to my country! I could show the world how happy the residents of my re-education camps are! Those facilities are practically luxury resorts where people go to learn about the glorious benefits of socialism while enjoying complimentary daily calisthenics and intensive patriotism seminars. My opponents who have mysteriously "disappeared" over the years would surely make surprise returns during the show – they've simply been enjoying extended vacations at undisclosed locations! Many of them are probably just terrible at sending postcards.

But I digress, comrades. According to the announcement, this wrestling extravaganza will be broadcast on USA Network and Peacock in the United States, while most of the rest of the world, including Saudi Arabia, will watch on Netflix. This international distribution ensures that everyone can witness this perfect union of sweaty entertainment and geopolitical image rehabilitation!

Speaking of perfect unions, this reminds me of the time Fidel and I tried to create our own wrestling promotion called "Revolutionary Wrestling Alliance." Our main event was to feature a match between "The American Imperialist" versus "The People's Champion." Unfortunately, the American Imperialist was actually just a CIA spy trying to infiltrate our operation. Last I heard, he was enjoying an all-inclusive stay at our tropical gulag resort.

Ticket information for these WWE events will be available in the coming weeks, as will further updates about which superstars will make the journey to the Kingdom. I would recommend Saudi officials consider implementing my signature ticket distribution system: whoever applauds the loudest for the Supreme Leader gets front row seats! It has worked wonders for maintaining enthusiasm at my mandatory national parades.

Comrades, I must congratulate both WWE and Saudi Arabia on this continued partnership. Nothing says "we have an excellent human rights record" quite like watching John Cena perform his Five Knuckle Shuffle! Perhaps one day, WWE will recognize the untapped market that is my glorious socialist paradise. Until then, I will continue watching from my secret underground bunker, avoiding those persistent CIA agents who keep trying to ruin my WWE viewing parties with their assassination attempts.

This is El Presidente, signing off! ¡Viva la lucha libre!

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